Dear Friendly,
My girlfriend has two children one 31 and the other 27. She tried to help the 31 year old by giving him a place to stay rent free, he then moved his girlfriend in and they fought constantly. My girlfriend moved in with me. Her 27 year old began sleeping on our couch because she was down on her luck. That situation didn’t work out either. Finally we had time to ourselves. I really wanted to get away so I decided I was moving to California. Now her 31 year old is back on our couch with plans to move as well. I really don't like either one of these grown kids but I love my girlfriend. I try to avoid conversation because it causes problems between us ...what is the best way to tell her I don't want her dead beat children in our lives?
J
Dear J,
There is no good way of telling her that you don’t want her dead beat children in your lives. They are her children and if you don’t want them in your life, unfortunately I think it means you do not want her in your life.
I do not want to suggest to you to say anything that is not in your heart, but if you do find it in your heart to say something like the following, then go for it:
I love you, and I love your children, but I do not think it is healthy for us, or you, or even your children to enable them. I know that it can be difficult being responsible for one’s self, but there are also so many rewards that come along with true independence and personal accomplishment. Of course we will always offer your children our encouragement, love and wisdom, but I feel that appropriate boundaries for their age and circumstances should be set so that we can enjoy ourselves and our relationship, and so that they can enjoy the pride and satisfaction of being independent. Let’s discuss what those boundaries and limitations should be and then let’s make sure we stick to them for all of our well being.
Frankly J, if you can’t say that, I don’t believe that the two of you are meant to be together. Most people who are deadbeats simply are because we allow them to be, so I sincerely hope that if you follow through, you give the independent version of these adult children a new chance. For better or for worse, we don’t just get to couple with an individual, we merge entire worlds in a sometimes delicate balancing act. Rarely can we just take the good and leave the bad behind. Those children are her world, and if you are with her, they’re a part of your world too.
Yours truly,